Removing the Root of Shame

Webster’s defines “shame” as a “feeling of guilt, regret, or sadness that you have because you know you have done something wrong.” It is also “the ability to feel guilt, regret, or embarrassment, dishonor or disgrace.” Shame can become so familiar, almost like an old friend. You know that old friend who your mom told you wasn’t a good influence but you didn’t listen. You look at that old friend and memories of a different time and a different you start to surface. It’s the “before Christ” you, and it isn’t pretty. All of the sudden you are haunted by the shame of your past and it’s crippling. At some point, we have all wrestled with shame. Even the most mature believer can fall prey to shame. I know because it recently happened to me.

A Testimony

I am going to be completely transparent with you, because if it helps just one person, it’s worth it. I am not at all proud of my past. I lived a very promiscuous lifestyle in my youth, and it is by the grace of God and the grace of God alone that I am still alive. Lately, I’ve dealt with female health issues that are a direct result of my shameful past. Not only has it been a scary time, but I fell victim to overwhelming shame. Faces from my past kept popping up in my mind and in my dreams. I was horrified all over again. I was crippled by the knowledge of who I used to be while trying to so hard to let it go, but unable to do so. I clung to my shame because I felt I deserved it.

One morning after reading His Word and worshiping, I found myself crying and praying for God to forgive me for my past. He simply said to me, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” I was dumbfounded. How could He NOT know what I was talking about?! He’s all-seeing and all-knowing, so how could he not know what I was talking about? He told me to read Jeremiah 31:34, “…I will forgive their iniquities and will remember their sins no more.” When we ask God to forgive us for something, not only does He forgive us, but He forgets about it. What a beautiful thing for Him to do!

As human beings, we have a hard time forgiving ourselves. We feel like we do not deserve to be forgiven, and we are past the point of redemption, but NOTHING could be further from the truth. If you want proof, just go to the Word. Scripture tells us nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38-39). His love for us is unconditional. He never tells us to “get our act together” and then approach Him. He wants our mess, our sin, and our shame. He wants us to “approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy…” (Hebrews 4:16). He ever so gently washes us with the blood of His sacrifice. We become a new creation, and the “old” is gone. He washes us white as snow. How does He wash us? With His love!

I would like to share a dream, its interpretation, and then a vision He gave me to help me through this difficult 9 months.

The Dream

In the dream I was in the living room of my house (but not the one I live in now). The house was comfortable and cozy. The front door faced the north-don’t ask me how I know that, I just do. The street was peaceful and lined with trees. I was doing something in the living room and I got a voice mail on my phone. It was this cute little limerick. Basically it said a package had been delivered at my front door. I opened the door and stepped outside and sure enough, there was a cute red flower-shaped box. The box had a card with the limerick sealed on it with red ribbon.

I looked over at the delivery person and it was my mom. She looked like she did back in the 80’s-90’s. Same knee-length denim shorts a sleeveless shirt and she was barefoot. I wasn’t shocked to see her, what concerned me is she was driving because my sister and I had a hard time getting her to give up driving. She was driving an old red beat-up car. She got in the driver’s seat and I calmly asked her, “Mom, where did you get this car?”

She seemed frustrated. She hung her head and said she couldn’t remember where she got the car. She said it in a voice that sounded like someone who had a stroke. It broke my heart. I glanced in her car and I noticed there were many more packages neatly placed on the passenger side and in the back seat. All decorated like mine but in different sizes. I didn’t want her to be upset and drive so I said, “Wow! You have a lot of people to make happy today!” She smiled a huge smile at me and said, “Yes!” She put the car in gear and drove off. In the next part of the dream, I walked back in the house with the package and placed it on the table. Then I woke up.

The Interpretation

Through prayer and the help my friend, Elisa Eaton, the Holy Spirit revealed the interpretation of this dream. Several things stood out. One was the color red representing the Spirit of the Lord, love, and His blood. Elisa had the impression of the life-blood flowing through our veins and the life-giving flow of the Holy Spirit. The gift was red as well as ribbon that sealed the gift and so was the car.

The Father also reminded her of the Hebrew word for love, ahavah. The root word ahav means “to give.” As Ahuva Bloomfield of jewishmag.com writes in her article “The Meaning of Love as Understood from Hebrew Language,” “The process of giving is a vehicle through which the giver through his act of giving is able to, through a physical gift, give himself to another.” The gift came to me from my mom who was driving a car.

The dream centers on my mom giving me a gift. Since she gave me the gift, it highlighted the concept of self-love. In the dream my mom represents an aspect of me, the nurturer and caretaker (the giver). It is easy for us to give love in abundance, but when we are filled with shame, we rarely keep any love for ourselves.

My mom never had a stroke but her voice was distorted in the dream. Elisa explained so well, “Sometimes people are distorted in our dreams. If the person represents us, it could be how we are seeing ourselves at that particular moment in time or in a situation.” When we are filled with shame the image we have of ourselves doesn’t mirror how God sees us. Our image of ourselves is distorted.

Elisa also explained the beat-up car. “As far as the beat-up car, what came to me is, in the context of loving and giving, our hearts (the vehicle through which we love) can most certainly get beat up in life! But there were many gifts in the car-you have a lot of love to give, both from the natural perspective and through the gifts of the Spirit. And despite the condition of the vehicle, you shifted the focus in the dream to the positive-you have a lot of people you can make happy each day through the love you give.”

Also in the dream my front door faced north. North usually represents heaven or something heavenly. It can also mean spiritual warfare as in taking your inheritance. I walked out my front door to claim the free gift of the Father’s love.

The Vision

Several days later I was worshiping the Lord and He gave me a vision called, “The Box.”

While cleaning my living room I found the red box which had been delivered to me weeks ago. It was buried under newspapers and old mail. I couldn’t believe I forgot about it especially under the circumstances of how it came to me. I picked up the box in my hands and sat down on the couch. I held it up to get a better look. The box was glorious and delicate. It had gold filigree worked into to every other panel around the outside of the box. It looked ancient and yet brand new. I also noticed the box seemed to hold power. I set it down on the table in front of me then I picked it back up. I did this many times. What was I afraid of? It was a gift. It was beautiful and it was for me. Why was I so afraid to open it?

It was then I heard a car out front, and when I looked out the window it was the same delivery car and driver that dropped off the gift, my mom. She stopped across the street to deliver another gift. I ran outside and I asked her if she was sure the gift had been for me.

She smiled at me and said, “Of course! Did you open it yet?”

“No” I replied.

She seemed disappointed and said she had to go do more deliveries. I watched as she drove off down the street periodically stopping to deliver a gift. I walked back inside and looked at the beautiful red box. I couldn’t fathom anything so beautiful was for me.

And then He was there. He walked over to me and said, “That box isn’t going to open itself you know.”

“I know Abba.” I replied.

“Why haven’t you opened it?” He asked me.

“I’m not sure. At first I forgot about it but now it just seems like it’s too extravagant for me.” I said.

At that moment the car and driver came down my street again. He glanced out the window and smiled at her and she smiled back.

“Abba? Do you know her?” I asked.

“Oh yes and she is waiting on YOU to open that box.” He said.

“I feel bad for her.” I said.

“Tell me why you feel bad for her.” He asked.

“Well, this is all she does.” I replied.

“My child what you fail to see it someone who LOVES what she does! She gives every day and yet, keeps nothing for herself. HER joy comes from people opening these boxes she delivers. If you want to help her then you have to open the box.” He said.

Just as I was about to say something He gestured for me to open the box. I walked over and picked it up. For some reason I started to cry like a brokenhearted child. I looked at Him and said, “Please help me.”

He walked over and placed His hands on mine and we opened the box together. When the lid was removed a warm soft golden glow filled the room along with the scent of Heaven itself. It was LOVE pouring out of the box. The most beautiful pure love I have ever felt. The Father’s love, and it was for me. I wept and He pulled me close and stroked my hair.

Then I heard a car stop outside. I turned to look and it was my mom again. She was standing beside her car smiling at the Father and me through the window. We walked out to see her and she was filled with such joy.

“You OPENED it!!!” she shouted with excitement.

“Yes, with His help.” I replied.

“I’m glad! Isn’t His love such a wonderful gift?” She asked.

I said, “It’s the most beautiful gift of all.”

She joyfully jumped back in her car and drove off down the street.

“Abba, will I ever see her again?” I asked.

He replied, “You just might my Child. Just remember to open the box when you do.”

Resisting the Ploys of the Enemy

Shame can distort our perception of ourselves. It can stunt our spiritual walk and our spiritual gifts as well. I do not want to give the enemy any credit, but we need to be cognizant of his tactics and guard our hearts and our minds. He knows how and when to strike, and he is merciless in his attacks against God’s people. And, yes, he will tell you half the truth to get you to believe the lie. So cliche, I know, but true nonetheless. Yes, it was my past that put me in the medical situation I was in, but that didn’t mean I was beyond redemption and it most certainly didn’t mean I did not have my Father’s love. It’s okay to open the box!

I’d like to close with a beautiful word from Elisa. This word is for anyone who is struggling with shame.

“The Father also highlighted something else to me.  I sense this is a word for whoever needs to grasp a hold of it. He’s highlighting Romans 10:10, ‘With the heart the man believes…’ He is healing heart issues and calling your thoughts and beliefs about yourself into alignment with His. Instead of that beat up car, it’s time for a new car. I hear Him saying He’s giving you a NEW heart! He is giving you HIS heart, the place where the blood for all the Body of Christ flows from. There is such grace in this. It can be hard for us to love ourselves if it isn’t properly modeled for us here on the earth. That’s why the cross and the Blood of Christ is so powerful. We need to receive from the true Source of love! It is life giving to us!”